saying goodbye to daddy

some days are ok, but i have been muddling around some days. things seem to be a blur. lethargic, anti-social, lost, sad, and a deep ache of missing my daddy that is quite inexplicable and hard to explain. it's difficult to say goodbye to someone you love so dearly, who has been a big part of your entire life in so many ways, shared so many precious moments and memories. some may ask: how are you? how is your mom? ah, we are keeping ourselves busy. it's quite hard to describe what the grief and sense of loss is like.. not sudden, for it has been there, since the day we found out. 

i don't really want to talk about it or come to terms with it, but i am forcing myself to type this out so i might find some closure through my reflections and note down the things i do not wish to forget. 

God's timing is perfect. this entire journey has shown me so much, moulded us so much.. individually and as a family. there is only that much that can be said of a man when he passes on. but when a man is used by God, there is so much that can be said of him and how God has worked through him. this is the story of my dad. he has run his race and allowed God to work in his family, his company, his service for the Lord, his friendships and relationships with others, his love for children.. and even in his sickness and his battle with cancer. 

during the weeks leading up to his last day, daddy grew weaker and needed more help in going to the hospital for check-ups. in God's perfect timing, PP began his holidays and we were more flexible in being able to help. there were a few occasions when the doctor seemed at a loss for words when he saw how frail and weak my dad was, and how much weight he had lost. "Do you still want to fight?" he asked. "Yes!" my dad said, punching his fist in the air. this was my daddy, a fighter. he was not the type to sit down, give up, and wait for his last days to come. whatever he could do, he wanted to try. 

in those times i sat or stood with daddy, he would look at me, smile when our eyes met, hold my hand. he probably knew my heart was breaking to see him in that state. that was his way of reassuring and comforting me. 

we just celebrated mother's day before daddy was admitted for the last time. daddy has never been good with words and writing and his swollen fingers make it difficult for him to write or type anything of late. i offered to write down what he wanted to say to mummy in a card that my sister had made. as he talked and i wrote, tears flowed down my cheeks. it was nothing fancifully expressed, but i tasted of the love, gratitude and sadness that he felt towards mummy. later, he asked me, "was my letter well-written?". haha. totally trade-mark of my daddy to egg for a compliment :)

the last check-up he had was the only time he succumbed to sitting on a wheelchair from home, to get to the carpark. when the doctor asked him whether he wanted to be admitted, daddy was reluctant. doctor mentioned that everytime daddy was admitted (for drip and protein), he seemed to perk up for awhile. never did we know that it was not to be so. daddy lapsed into a long sleep and did not wake till one and a half days later. we swayed between plans to bring daddy home or to place him in a hospice to alleviate the stress on my mummy. when dad woke, it became clear that he wanted to go home. arrangements were quickly made.. my sister (the planner) quickly bought the equipment and arranged the necessary logistics. brother-in-law planned the medical necessities and ambulance services, brother and PP stayed over on the many nights to accompany my daddy. in that one week, things were uncertain.. but we knew that things were not good. we sat with daddy, sang hymns to him and communicated with him. he clearly understood what we were saying even though he did not say much. and gradually, he responded less and less. 

the night we brought him home as he desired, we tried to have a family worship like we always do every sunday. that night, we sang

1. 
   
2. "Saviour, more than life to me,
3. I am clinging, clinging, close to Thee;
   Let Thy precious blood applied,
   Keep me ever, ever near Thy side.
5. Refrain:
6. Every day, every hour,
7. Let me feel Thy cleansing pow’r;
8. May Thy tender love to me
9. Bind me closer, closer, Lord to Thee.
10. Through this changing world below,
    Lead me gently, gently as I go;
    Trusting Thee, I cannot stray,
    I can never, never lose my way.
11. Let me love Thee more and more,
    Till this fleeting, fleeting life is o’er;
    Till my soul is lost in love,
    In a brighter, brighter world above."
12. he left in the wee hours of the morning. somehow, mummy found it difficult to sleep and was woken up despite feeling very tired. she sponged his lips, read psalm 23 to him, one hand holding his, the other on his chest.... . "爸爸。你这样好辛苦啊。放下吧。孩子们都在这里， 你就安心吧。” and dad's heart stopped.

looking back, there is no question that God's plans leading to this day is seamless and perfect in every way.. providing for us in every sense of the word.

it's true that we miss our dearest daddy very very much, but with God in the picture, we accept that He truly worked out everything for good. daddy is not in pain anymore, not suffering anymore.  this grief is a better type of grief than the one we had when we first found out about daddy's illness. knowing he is no more suffering, versus knowing he is going to suffer. whatever it is, im thankful that in these two types of grief, we have hope because Christ has triumphed even over death. 

my dear friends... if you happen to be reading this, it is my prayer that you will know of this hope that goes beyond this life. there aren't many things as painful as witnessing someone you love suffering physically. if you can't quite imagine this pain, than you must know that whatever/whoever enabled us to go through this trial is worth knowing.

But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, 

concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, 

even as others which have no hope. 

For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, 

even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.

1 Thessalonians 4: 13-14

on a separate note, treasure your loved ones and spend as much quality time as you can with those who matter to you. talk to them, hold their hands, share with them, take pictures, put in effort to celebrate each others' birthdays, and find ways to make one another happy. don't take for granted the time you have with them... 

eulogy

It is difficult to sum up the life of a man in a single writing. but we try to, for we want others to know how he lived his life, and pray that it will inspire, encourage and edify you in the process. 

Daddy, or Michael Lim, as many know him, was an affable man with an infectious laughter and a booming voice. “Oh, Michael Lim from Tabernacle Auto?” As his children, we get that a lot. Seldom do his acquaintances note us by name, for my dad’s personality often shone through when he relates to others. 

Hence, when our beloved father was diagnosed with Stage 4 lung cancer, the pain and grief was very difficult to bear. How does one accept the news of a loved one suffering? 

Praise the Lord for His goodness in our lives. As a family brought up to know the Lord and His salvation, we despair, but not as one without hope. 

When dad was diagnosed, certain things remained the same, while some things changed. Through this, we hope you can get a glimpse of who my dad is and how he lived his life, whether with cancer, or without. 

His love for his family and his desire for us remained the same

My daddy has always been “over-enthusiastic”. As a husband, he put in no little effort in courting my mother. Amidst the ups and downs in marriage, he loved her, led her, and was not hesitant in displaying his affection to her. As a father, he brought us to know God, teaching us from the Psalms and the Proverbs. He marched my sister and me down the aisle on our wedding day with a huge grin on his face. When Zachary, Ezra and Elliot were born, he took much delight in them and how they responded to him. It was clear he loved the family and we too, love him deeply. 

Shortly after he was diagnosed, our family spent some time together on a staycation and holidays. Much as we were not in the mood, these serve as precious memories for us, which we hold dearly. Our father shared with us that his greatest desire and wish was for us to please God, to love God. Nothing complicated, nothing new. It was what he has been telling us since we were young. 

His dedication to his company remained the same

Tabernacle Auto Services Pte Ltd. My dad started out as an engineer but by God’s leading and provision, he ended up being a “Car-doctor”. Ah, his passion for cars and the way he speaks about them. We have seen his enthusiasm, and his joy when he hears of how his “treatment” has proven effective in making someone’s car more powerful/smooth/cooling. 

More importantly, as the name of the company conveys, my daddy viewed his workshop as a ministry. He did not openly share this to us, but over time, we started to realize that. How can a car workshop be a ministry? His desire was for servants of God, and those serving God full-time, to send their cars there, so he could minister to them. 

When Daddy was diagnosed, work proved to be a good distraction for him. His dedication never faltered, and while he did not say it, Mummy told us he was burdened for his employees and wanted Tabernacle to continue being a blessing. 

His Faith in God remained the same

His faith was steadfast and in fact, evidently strengthened. His outlook, his hopes, his perspective of this disease... all these revealed how he regarded God in light of this suffering. Can one still say that God is good, when he loses all strength and appetite? Or when he has to forsake all that he used to find joy in? Or when he witnesses and feels as though he is the reason why his beloved wife toils and labours in caring for him?

This was my daddy’s declaration from start to end. God is good. 

From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same

the LORD's name is to be praised.

Psalm 113: 3

This was the verse shared with my father a few days before he returned home, as he witnessed the sunrise from his bed. He nodded in full agreement when it was shared. The Lord’s name is to be praised. 

His fighting spirit remained the same

Even when my daddy was too weak to walk and at times even struggling to stay awake, he persisted in his visits to the hospital. The nausea and vomiting constantly afflicted him, but he would still try, mouth by mouth, sip by sip, to take down some Prosure or Resource. Vomitting in the morning became an expected routine, before he could continue his breakfast. He soon ran out of options when it came to medications or treatment, but when presented with option of going for a medical trial, he would go for it. He told us many times: I must keep fighting, I must. And He did, right to the end - physically, spiritually, mentally. 

Conclusion

So what changed? 

My flesh and my heart faileth:

but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.

Psalm 73: 26

It was painful to witness my daddy declining over the one and a half years. He lost a lot of weight, and suffered a lot. To put these in words would be insufficient. It became so real to us that this body, this life on earth, is like a vapour that can vanish, just like that. 

My dad fought a losing battle physically, but in all other ways, he won. He is now resting in heaven, it is now our turn to carry on living this legacy he left behind, all to the glory of God. 

I have fought a good fight, I have finished my course,

I have kept the faith: Henceforth there is laid up for me a crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, shall give me at that day:

and not to me only, but unto all them also that love his appearing.

2 Timothy 4: 7-8

He Cares for Me (Throwback)

It takes a special friend to be willing to go the extra mile in comforting and encouraging you when life's storms hit you. this dear sister is one of those special friends.. whose heart really shared the sorrow experienced, and shared her own painful experiences to show that i was not alone. even more so, this special friend pointed me to the Lord, and this song is one of my definite favourites. 

Our God is far greater than words can make known,
Exalted and holy, He reigns on His throne,
In infinite splendour He rules over all;
Yet He feeds the poor sparrows, and He knows when they fall.

(Chorus)
His power is great and will ever endure,
His wisdom is peaceable, gentle and pure.
But greater than all these glories I see,
Is the glorious promise that He cares for me.

The earth and the heav'ns are the work of His hands,
And billions of angels ovey His commands.
He guides the great galaxies spinning through space,
Yet He gave us His Son as a gift of His grace.

He rides the wild heavens, He strides through the seas,
The high mountains tremble to hear His decrees.
His voice with great thunderings sounds from above,
But to His children, He whispers His love. 

 

some after-thoughts: this life is full of heartache, physical ailments and pain. when loved ones fall ill, or circumstances fall out of our control, what can be our anchor and our stay? I thank God for dear friends who love in action and do so meaningfully by pointing me to a God who cares. Yes, I know He cares. His Heart is touched with my grief.. there is no reason henceforth, to despair like there is no hope, or to cry because I am utterly helpless..

thank God for you, dear sister. missing u very much.

my mother, the proverbs 31 woman

(sung to "The Lily of the Valley", written by Eileen Lin)

The day where most celebrate mother's day has drawn to a close. On fb, instagram, I see many tributes, heartwarming.. for a happy home is a precious gem in a world filled with ups and downs.

"Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excellest them all." Prov 31:29

Not for any comparison, really, but the above verse is what I think of my mum. She has now gone beyond the usual duties (think chores, cooking, nagging) of a mum and wife. to put it in a singlish way, she really "up one level".

As dad battles a terminal illness, she has selflessly given up everything she has, and fully dedicated herself to the care of my father. No time to rest, no murmurings, no break downs before us.. just quietly perservering through the toils and emotional, physical, mental and spiritual demands of each day. Her faith in the Lord has shone through in a trying time such as this.

And my dad? He is another amazing story, of which I fail in ability to fully depict, but I do hope to share one day.

So "happy mother's day" cant quite depict the deep gratitude I have, neither can it fully express the great depth of how my mother has lived out the truth in proverbs 31. I thank God for my mother.

memories from bangkok (april 2014)