bad days

ah, there are bad days too. when i wake up in the morning, feeling like i have been run over by a truck, many times. when i think the boy has been trained to sleep, but wakes every 20 minutes, crying and wailing for me. when i simply cannot summon anymore energy to do more than the bare minimum. when all i feel like doing, is sit on the couch and stone. when the boy throws his tantrums, every 5 minutes. when i just cannot attend to him as he cries and wails. and even when i can, im reluctant to do, for i feel sapped of my energy.

when i read/hear/think about other children, and start comparing... why is he being such a cranky grouch? when i read/hear/think of other mothers, and start comparing.. why am i such a lousy mother? and my heart is exhausted, resentful, depressed and ungrateful. on such days, i can only count down to the return of the husband, to perhaps bring a turnaround. but work beckons and he can only come back after the boy goes to bed. 

where is my hope? where is my strength? who can lift me up in such a time?

LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am. Psalm 34:9

this verse became very close to my heart, for it revealed to me how many things are out of my control, even when it pertains to myself. it only shows how weak i am, and how much i need God - to teach me how to conduct myself, how to lead and teach ezra as a mother and how to glorify Him in this calling. 

so Lord, help us, but without you, we are truly nothing.