bad days

ah, there are bad days too. when i wake up in the morning, feeling like i have been run over by a truck, many times. when i think the boy has been trained to sleep, but wakes every 20 minutes, crying and wailing for me. when i simply cannot summon anymore energy to do more than the bare minimum. when all i feel like doing, is sit on the couch and stone. when the boy throws his tantrums, every 5 minutes. when i just cannot attend to him as he cries and wails. and even when i can, im reluctant to do, for i feel sapped of my energy.

when i read/hear/think about other children, and start comparing... why is he being such a cranky grouch? when i read/hear/think of other mothers, and start comparing.. why am i such a lousy mother? and my heart is exhausted, resentful, depressed and ungrateful. on such days, i can only count down to the return of the husband, to perhaps bring a turnaround. but work beckons and he can only come back after the boy goes to bed. 

where is my hope? where is my strength? who can lift me up in such a time?

LORD, make me to know mine end, and the measure of my days, what it is; that I may know how frail I am. Psalm 34:9

this verse became very close to my heart, for it revealed to me how many things are out of my control, even when it pertains to myself. it only shows how weak i am, and how much i need God - to teach me how to conduct myself, how to lead and teach ezra as a mother and how to glorify Him in this calling. 

so Lord, help us, but without you, we are truly nothing. 

i never thought i would regress to this state!

The day has finally arrived. 

I remembered that I had not taken a single bath for the day, only when its past midnight and I was about to wash up and turn in for the night. 

But.. 

I did manage to cook and prepare his meals. We also played with his mega bloks, and built the tallest tower for the little monkey to climb. I fed him his meals, and in order to distract him (so I can get food in his mouth), struck up several conversations about what he did yesterday, what he saw and what he played with. I managed to complete the dishes (trust me, easier said then done), and sort out his overflowing wardrobe. He had a good solid nap without waking, then awoke with a smile and received some cuddles from me.

We went to the nearby market and then, to the playground, where he pointed out several millipedes, and bravely climbed through two holes in the playgrounds which he was reluctant to do so previously. The boy took initiative, and said himself that he wanted to "read a book"!! He chose three (In his own words - "many!!") books, one of which was about jonah. I managed to convert a "chore" into "fun" by asking him to give his toy animal figurines a bath. 

All through the day, there were tantrums and tears, but by God's enabling, I did not just let it go (even though its easier to do that!) but pursued, reprimanded and caned. He tickled my belly button, and squealed in delight when I screamed and giggled. He raced to me in fear when the airplanes took off (he has never been afraid till recently :/). he came to me wailing and complaining when he hurt his hand/head/toes/elbow... but grinned and was ok with a pat and a kiss. 

We played with toy vegetables, and fed his teddy bear, stuffed dogs and penguins. He picked up the word "pepper". We prayed many times, thanking God and seeking to obey Him, also for papa's safety and for loved ones. We ended the day memorising God's word and with a prayer too. Finally, I sat next to his bed while he tossed and turned and put himself to sleep, with a hope that he might sleep through the night again. (Yes he has done so for 2 nights!! Goodbye to sleep regression???)                         

when i recall times like this, and wholeheartedly spend my time with him, dedicating full attention to play with him and talk to him, i notice how happy he really is to have my company. if one day can help him pick up a few new words, receive admonishment and have so many hugs and giggles exchanged, i guess my role as a SAHM is not as mundane, hectic and dreary as i sometimes tend to think it is. 

I cant believe all these happened in one day, but it did. And because of all these, its ok that I may or may not have bathed for the day.

18 months

its been awhile since i came to this little corner.. but something happened that i would like to note, so you and i would remember. 

yes, you are 18 months plus.. and it has been nothing short of challenging in recent times, for you simply cannot/will not sleep well. hourly awakenings, or 3 hours of tossing and turning in bed, unable to rest, is simply madness. we are tired, frustrated, exasperated, worried. yes, the internet says 18 month sleep regressions are normal, and it will pass.. but clearly for now, it has not, and we are forced to suffer long. 

yesterday in the state of grogginess while trying to coax you to sleep at 4am, you suddenly sat up and suddenly told me you wanted to "pray", putting your hands together, and repeating the words in all earnestness. can it be, that you have learnt to recognise that there is a God, a present help in time of (sleepless) trouble? whatever it is, your simple action has comforted my heart and reminded me that even sleep, this priceless commodity, is in the hands of God, who gives it to us. 

so bearing this in mind, we will press on.. night by night. it will pass!

It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep. Psa 127: 2

baby hugs - act of kindness #4

from a loving familY, very deserving of Super Good Neighbour Award!

one can never get enough of baby hugs :) 

I suspect this book is more for me than for my little boy. it was very very comforting. thank you. 

a sweet handmade letter

praying that the boys can form godly friendships in future, just like the ones the parents enjoy <3

生日快乐！

memories of mother's day

im blessed.

when times are tough and i start to worry and doubt, memories like these encourage my heart and remind me that i am blessed. 

memories of montigo (part two: a beautiful hideout)

Thank God for providing us with this place, ideal for a retreat :) looking forward to returning again... 

1

papa, who encourages me to aim for higher ground, and live with eternity's values in view

 

yes, the papa is back.. sometime ago actually. something happened that made me take an unexpected hiatus. hate to leave things hanging and incompleted though. just moping around, worrying, fretting, thinking about the worst case scenario is enough to drive me crazy. no wonder God says in His Word, 

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. 1 Peter 5:7

 

things have been rough. but in this dark season, many have touched me (overwhelmingly) with their questions of concern, prayers, words of encouragement, unexpected gestures of love.. all of which i am undeserving of, and i am fully aware is given by God. to you, thank you. i continue to covet your prayers because God answers prayers. 

 

2

papa, whose pokey hair i love!

3

papa, who wipes me down

the pp is away

and so, the 22 nights start.. 

will it be 22 nights of self-pity, despair and fear, or will it be 22 nights of hoping in God, trusting Him to provide all i need, and a heart fonder?

God-willing, it is the latter, and not the earlier, much as the temptation is strong. 

while the burdens to bear are greater with the little boy around, it also means i have a companion and an excellent reminder of PP :) 

22 days of "hopeful recollection" (coined by PP) start here :)

8 months

ezra boy, 

you are 8 months! and we love you, so much. you have become so much more of a person that we can relate to, with your adorable expressions, blabberings and chatter. there are countless times we chuckle at your antics or are left in awe by how you progress and grow. we thank God for you.

this past month, once again, has flown by. and POW! there you are again, doing new stunts. you do push-ups, like a true soldier boy.... climbing over pillows, people and things like in S.O.C (standard obstacle course). and to get what you want, you are able to pull yourself up the sofa to stand by yourself. you are such an active boy. regretfully, there are so few pictures we can take of you... simply because you do not stop moving. most of the camera pictures turn out like this :/

you have also learnt to express yourself with babblings and gurglings... quite sometime back in fact, you have learnt to go "mama" when frustrated and looking for me. of course, we are not sure if you specifically mean me (and we will never know...) .. but yes darling, when you call mama, i will come to you. 

to our surprise, you have learnt to sign "please" when you want to be carried... though we are not sure if that is really what you mean. wow! its amazing how you pick up things. for many many months, you have always fussed and resisted us when we put your hands together to teach you to pray. now, you quietly wait, as though you have learnt. when mama puts her left hand in front of you and say "high-five!", you respond by slapping your hand on hers. it's so thrilling and rewarding as we see how you learn to communicate :)

sadly, you don't smile so much anymore... you are too busy! the world has just too many things for you to see, and there's just too many things for you to explore. your sunny smile has reduced to a shy, smug, smirk... 

there are worries and difficulties as well. some days you want to devour everything, while other days, mealtimes just seem like a battle field. may God give us the wisdom to understand you and take care of you! there are also worries about your weight, which pales in comparison to your counterparts... milk supply.... naps....etc. 

it's not easy. looking back, it's so difficult. my dear son, mama will be frank and tell you that if not for God who gives the calling, she would have wanted to give up long ago. 

have you ever felt the dread of having to do something or go through something that you really don't want to do? that's what mama has faced, more than ever.. especially in a time like this when papa is so busy at work and there is an impending work trip he has to go on. i am tired, exhausted and the days ahead seem long and tough. what to do in such a time? run away? take a break? get someone else to do the job? i know these are not my options because God has His purpose and He has meant for me to face it, and only me, for these circumstances are mapped out for me. 

this feeling is all too familiar. perhaps when younger, it is just before the major exams. or when papa and i struggled in our courtship days... or when faced with piles and piles of marking from my previous job. the dread...the fear.. the reluctance..... when going through it, the trial seems to last for eternity and my store of endurance appears to be utterly drained. but now, as i look back on them, my heart is filled with gladness and thankfulness for through all these, God has proven Himself faithful and All The Way Our Saviour Leads Us. 

so when papa does not come home, or i am required to bear the burden of care-giving, house-keeping, loneliness... (i type this down to remind myself)... it is but for a season, and when we are tried and purified, we shall come forth as gold... 

it warms my heart the most when i see how you crawl earnestly to papa the moment he opens the door and says "hello!". Papa carrying you, playing with you, admonishing you.... these are the times i cherish the most and remind me that... it is really worthwhile. 

7 months

ezra boy,

you are seven months old!

one thing im exceptionally thankful for, is your smile. you smile when we make eye contact with you, you smile when we carry you, you smile when we talk to you, you smile when you see someone familiar, you smile when we ask you to, you smile when we point the camera at you.... you just smile soooo much and it is very contagious! after starting you on semi-solids, there were points of time when you seemed to experience some tummy discomfort and seem grouchy and fussy most of the time. it was then that we realised how we missed your smile and how we have taken it for granted. oh, do keep smiling my dear! you are the sunshine in our lives :)

 

we are thankful that you generally take your solids well. to this day, you have tried broccoli (makes you fart), pumpkin (you like but we don't, but pretend to), spinach (like!), apple (not so much), banana (gave you constipation), and pear (like it with rice cereal). yet, how come you are still waking up at night???

this has been an incredible month for you and us! you just reach your milestones in a blink of an eye, leaving us to wonder, when did he ever learn to do that?! you were so adept at rolling, then you decided it was too cumbersome and decided to pick up crawling instead. of course, not on your knees yet, but somehow, you manage to drag yourself to get to places. it was during times like this we witnessed your determination (stubbornness) and how you simply will not relent in getting what you want. 

den, two front teeth on your bottom gums sprouted out all of a sudden, catching us by surprise, but leaving us very excited too! it must be rather itchy and uncomfortable for you, since you are gnawing at everything and there was one night when you had a fever for no particular reason. we are amused to see how you try to get acquainted with them. sometimes you chomp on your fingers forgetting they are there, and then wail in pain.

can you get any cuter? your squirrel cheeks, toothy grin and sprightly nature melt our hearts countless times :)

thank God particularly for sustaining your health and keeping you free from illnesses. of course, we are concerned that you don't seem to gain as much weight as you should :( but day by day, we just do our best, and commit the rest to God. 

just one thing i would like to highlight to you, my son. a recent BS put this thought into my head, and has changed my perspective about teaching you. i used to think that my example could be sufficient in leading you to the ways of God.. but i realised that there is so much more i can do. i would like to regard the time i have with you as borrowed time, and as the seconds tick by, so does my influence diminish. it is tempting to assume that you are still so young, and there is little you understand, but we hope to start, as parents called by God, to instruct you and teach you as best as we can. may we grow together as a family, in His grace and knowledge :)

like every month, i say again, oh please slow down! you probably can't, and so, we just treasure every moment with you.. every smile, every sleeping face, every cheeky grin, every awkward sleeping posture, every tug of my hair.... moments you make our loved ones smile, moments when you go dizzy with excitement and all four limbs flail in excitement.....

:) we are truly blessed to have you. 

6 months of happiness

6 months, my dear! that makes almost half a year, and we are enjoying you more than ever!

you are so fun-loving and ever curious about this world that surrounds you. everything intrigues you - you reach out for everything that is strange to you, including your toes :)

your smile, as always, is my highlight for every morning. it is not difficult to make you smile - you are such a happy boy :) how we pray it stays that way and you will learn to rejoice in the goodness of the LORD as you grow :)

my dear baby boy, you are growing so fast that you leave mama and papa breathless sometimes :) there are just so many milestones that you have made and we would have trouble recalling them all if not for the help of photos and videos. you have learnt to roll back and forth - it's your main mode of transportation now. suddenly, your world has expanded and you have realised how there is so much more to explore as you roll here and there. even in your sleep, you are practising and more than once we have found you awoken, calling for help as you wake up stuck on your tummy. thank God for a new skill accomplished so skillfully! there is little we have done as parents to help you attain these milestones. little by little, somehow, you just progress and amaze us :)

you have also learnt to sit for brief seconds on your own, using your hands as support. everytime we carry you and place you in a sitting position, you squeal in excitement as though saying, "wow, the view here is so much better! what took you so long, mama and papa?" 

as your awareness of your surroundings grow, it seems like the separation anxiety is setting in. papa says it's because when we are out of sight, it seems like we cease to exist in your eyes. i have always been exasperated by how "sticky" you can be - just taking a few steps away from you can cause you to protest. however, putting myself in your shoes - if God were to seem to forsake, and stop proving his love and existence to me, i think i would be very much devastated too. and so, i patiently stay by you, and pray that one day, you will realise that many others do love you too and i, as a mother, am more than happy and committed to stay by you and take care of you. this reminds me of how God has promised that He "will never leave thee, nor forsake thee." Heb 13:5

this post comes late because it has been such a hectic mid year. we went for church camp in JB, and we took your very first plane ride to penang! wow! thank God for this privilege to fly to penang, where you met your great-grandmother for the first time. it truly warmed my heart that you could be used by God to cheer her spirits at such an old age. she is 93 this year. mama is truly thankful that she has been granted more time by the LORD, so that she can meet you. 

we started you on your solids! you just cant wait to gobble them up :)

we can see your little tooth peeking out on the bottom left side of your gum. is that why you have been waking up so often at night? the possibilities of why you don't sleep well confound us. at times, mama is tempted to search for answers - maybe you are overtired, or undertired, or maybe its the solids. maybe i should shift your nap later, or earlier, etc. at the end of the day, i really just need to let go... pray that God gives us wisdom to decide what to do, to learn to pick up your cues and to give you what's best. 

the faster you grow, the more we want you to slow down. we know fully well that this year will fly by and before we know it, you will no longer be a baby anymore. so day after day, we just want to treasure each moment God gives. the sleepless nights, the poop, the fussing n trying to get you to sleep - these all will pass. but that will mean you're growing up. so we will bear with them as much as we can, trusting that God's grace is sufficient for each day.

we love you so much, little ezra boy. 

tots on parenting/housekeeping #5

(the happiest kind of laundry)

i don't deny that care-giving and being a housewife and a stay at home mom is more difficult than expected. yes, we do meet with our challenges and there are unexpected difficulties each day, but the biggest struggle is actually the mundaneness of it all. 

since a long time ago, i always knew that this would be my end state if God ever gave me a child. i knew how important it was to mother the child, to bring him up in the ways of God, to be there everyday for him and fulfill the calling of a mother. i've sort of looked forward to it, thinking that it would be fulfilling and there would be no better calling. 

alas, it is alot more glamourous in my imagination :)

i struggle so much...sometimes muttering and murmuring - am i supposed to feel accomplished by how clean i mop the floor? how well i do the dishes? what have i condescended to?

God showed me and comforted me through this passage:

"Thus saith the LORD, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the LORD which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the LORD." Jeremiah 9: 23-24

God reminded me that my pride and all the accomplishments i hold on to are but dust. my glory and my joy should come for this: striving to know and love the God who loves me so and has been so real in my life... and then showing my understanding of His will in my life by doing what He wants me to do and being exactly where He places me. 

tots on parenting #4

when my child is sick ...

this is probably one of the greatest trial that God can put in the life of a mother. the fear that the child does not recover, the heartache that comes from seeing your child suffer, and the impatience for the child to quickly recover are all overwhelming emotions that one needs to deal with, in the midst of all the frantic physical care-giving. it's been tough, but there are a few lessons that God has taught me through this:

1) Ezra is not mine. He is given by God, and under the care of God Almighty.

"But even the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not therefore: ye are of more value than many sparrows." Luke 12:7

2) Don't think beyond tomorrow, for it can be too much to bear

"Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." Matthew 6:34

3) Trials like this can come, to build our faith and teach us how important it is to trust in Him.

"Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." Psalms 37:5

4) I need to learn to suffer long, and be contented with whatever state God places us in

"Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience.But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing." James 1:3-4

 

5) I am thankful for the fellow prayer warriors who committed Ezra to God in prayer when he was ill.

" Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

thank God that we can bear one another's burdens :) (pun intended :)

5 months

my dear baby, 

this month has passed in a blur and we are sooo sleep-deprived. what is going through this little mind of yours, that causes you to wake up ever so frequently when you used to be a sound sleeper? we do wonder, and at times, despair... but thank God that day by day and with each passing moment, strength we find to meet our trials here :) 

on a happy note, perhaps it's because you really are growing. suddenly, you seem so engaged and active, so easily excited and acutely aware of your surroundings. mama has become a familiar face to you, such that you don't want her out of your sight (especially when you are feeling cranky). you are chattering and blabbering, to people, soft toys, lights and fans. your legs, the moment you awake, are on non-stop action. kick kick kick! 

as we look back on this month, i think the biggest thanksgiving is how God has seen mama and papa through, for it has not been an easy month. papa has been especially busy at work, and sometimes, returning to find you asleep. mama has been "forced", or "trained" (by God) to learn to be independent in taking care of you. and she has made some milestones! walking to the nearby food centre is a breeze now, after we have taken the mrt and taxi :) mama has even taken you for a drive in the car..... which sometimes you take to while other times.....hmmm.... let's just say you missed mama too much ;)

you also have a few "firsts" :) first time you rolled intentionally from front to back, first haircut, first two nights away from home during the yaf retreat :) 

your personality is emerging. you have fussy peculiarities and when not given your way, will make your displeasure known. for example, you seem to dislike wearing clothes?! sometimes, we are confounded as to when we ought to scold you or discipline you. may God give us the wisdom to do so :) without anyone teaching you, you learn to get angry, throw tantrums, and make your desires known. why? its our sin nature. ( For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; Rom 3:23) how we pray that one day you will quickly come to know our Saviour, Jesus Christ, the only one who can deliver us from the bondage of sin. 

nevertheless, my dear, we love you more than ever. you have brought so many smiles to our faces and God has used you to teach us so much. we can't quite imagine life without you anymore :)

tots on parenting #4 - I'm blessed to be a mother

I'm blessed to be a mother because

 

E was not my choice, but a gift from God

 

E was not part of my plan, but given in God's perfect timing

 

I get to work with PP, who has given so much as a husband and a father

 

we get to grow together in mutual understanding as we take care of E

 

the trials (unexpected and soooooo difficult at times) teach us what it means to trust in God

 

people rally around us and support us as we grow in this journey of parenthood

 

I get to see my boy grow in amazing ways (physically, mentally and hopefully soon- spiritually)

 

it has been a sanctifying process with countless lessons learnt

 

I am taught to give and sacrifice in ways unimaginable

 

I am in greater awe of my mother because I see what she has done

 

I am mother of a beautiful, adorable, most-of-the-time cheery little boy